Now that I’m 39 that mattress starts looking better and better around 10 o’clock.I’m a passable cook but after a 12-hour workday I don’t want ...o spend another hour in the kitchen. Sometimes I’ve got something in the freezer that looks good, but often I’ll treat myself by picking up on the way home. I try not to do that too often. At my age the weight piles on faster than it goes away, and restaurant food tends to be full of salt and fattening.But this Friday night I was too tired to do even. Sure, men could force me to do things, but if they wanted my cooperation, that started to give me some power. I could then exchange it, to my benefit, but the abusers actually confirmed, in my mind, that the power was ultimately mine.“I realized that for me, pain and pleasure intermingled. Pain is something I sensed, of course, but I sometimes could be at choice if I let it hurt me. In some sexual contexts, a particular sensation could be painful or pleasurable -- Howard is very careful not to. More

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